The Epic Fast Food War
by Cerice Belle
Summary: The two biggest fast food corporations are at war! Only one lowly counter-boy, Ichigo Kurosaki, has the ultimate burger-making skills to defeat their enemies. Can he do it, or will he and his friends be fried under the pressure? Pure Crack! AU! On Hiatus.
1. Chapter 1

**Embark on an epic tale of friendship, trial, betrayal, and the ultimate burger making as young teenagers try to find their way in the world through hot chips, and ice-cream sundaes.  
>Ultimate crack!<strong>

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><p>Genryuusai Yamamoto prided himself on many things: one was that his beard was by far the most impressive of anyone in the entire city. The other was the freshest and most protein filled fast food in all of Karakura. As the Head Manager of his family-run fast food business, The Food Society, that was his motto: "The Freshest and Healthiest Fast Food". He thought it would be enough to satisfy the people of the city, it had for the past 100 years, with the 13 main shops based around Karakura. But nooooo, three of those shops had had a serious setback in development, their managers had defected and created their own fast food company: Lost Nachos "You won't <span>find<span> Nachos, or Fast Food better than this". It burned in his soul, the fact that branch had the least-fresh and utterly fatty and most likely toxin-filled food, and yet it tasted delicious, and they were starting to get more customers. He could not understand it!

With a gruff sigh he tapped his walking stick on the wooden floor of the meeting room and looked at the remaining 10 managers sitting around the long table, his bald, wrinkled face serious.

"As you all know, we have experienced a major setback, with Aizen, Ichimaru and Tosen defecting their coveted roles as managers of shops 3, 5 and 10. They have set up their own Fast Food branch, Lost Nachos," at this word he ground his teeth, "And already have 10 shops up around the city, many of them straight across from our own stores, and, although it pains me to say it, have been selling their burgers, chips, and Nachos at a steady rate that could overtake our own sales."

"They've got a better sales campaign Old-Man Yama" stated, Jushiro Ukitake manager of store 13.

"And they're allowed to decorate their shops with an unlimited budget," added Shunsui Kyoraku, manager 8. "I went into their first shop the other day, and that guy really knows how to decorate! It was wolf themed, and the fur-covered seats were so comfortable I could have slept on them, which I did."

The manager of store 2 glared at him, "You weren't supposed to buy anything in there Kyoraku!"

"Oh I didn't," he assured her. "I just slept, and their manager came out and joined me! Great guy!" he sighed wistfully. "Course, my deputy wasn't too happy, neither was his," he rubbed his heck ruefully.

Yamamoto banged his stick on the table and sat down, "We have more important things to discuss than decorative layouts."

"Actually sir," began manager of shop 10, Toshiro Hitsuguya. "I for once have to agree with Kyoraku-"

"I'm flattered."

"-And I think that we really need to upgrade our interior, and even exterior design. My deputy wanted to rearrange the place and get a more attractive sign but we couldn't because of the regulations."

"I've had people mention how drab it is," added Sajin Komamura.

"Silence!" ordered Yamamoto. "We need funds for design-"

"And we need design for funds," intersected Retsu Unohana.

"Exactly! Besides, I think they look fine."

Even Kenpachi Zaraki, manager of store 11, gave him a withering look.

"They're plain white with an orange roof, and the insides are just white," stated Byakuya Kuchiki. "I could at least add some pink on the sofas."

"They're fine!" the Head Manager insisted. "What we really need is someone who can infiltrate Lost Nachos and get some case where they use toxins to make people secretly love the food."

Everyone stared at him.

"Or we could make our food taste better and increase decoration?" he added on an afterthought.

Everyone nodded.

Yamamoto sighed and tapped his stick thoughtfully, creating a hole in the shining wooden floor. It was hard to think with all those eyes staring at him. Oh stuff it!

"I'm going with the infiltrator plan!" he concluded, much to his employees sighs. "We just need to find someone bold of heart and cunning of head to do it…"

"IIIIICCCHHHIIIGGGOOOO!" cried Isshin Kurosaki, leaning across the car seat and slapping his only son.

"ARGH! What the hell was that for?" the orange-headed Ichigo yelled back, swerving the car, much to loud honking.

"Look, it's a Food Society!" the older, but immature, man said excitedly, pointing to the big white building with the orange pagoda roof.

"Yeah can we go pleeease?" asked his little sister Yuzu, tugging her brother's arm. "I really want to get the last collectable Chappy rabbit for my collection!"

He sighed and looked at it, "But we just passed it."

"Never fear!" exclaimed Isshin. And without further ado, he grabbed the steering-wheel and swerved the car around, narrowly avoiding a STOP sign and a few other cars, then hopped onto the curb, swept up the EXIT driveway and came to a hard stop at a parking space.

"ARE YOU COMPLETELY MAD!" yelled Ichigo, his face bright red as he recovered his stomach. "WE COULD HAVE DIED!"

"But we didn't!" said Isshin, jumping out of the car with Yuzu and her twin Karin, both who looked completely unfased.

Grumbling, Ichigo got out of the car and followed them up to the Fast Food shop. Upon entering, he found it completely empty apart from two workers in the corner.

"It's so dull in here," complained Karin. "These places never look very good, Lost Nachos is so much better."

"DON'T SAY THAT!" exclaimed their father.

"Oh here we go."

"These people work very hard, and the food is fresh and tasty, nothing artificial about it!" he danced up to the counter and leaned against it, winking at the petite, black-haired, violet-eyed girl behind it. "How ya doin'?"

Karin kicked her foot into his head and pushed him to the ground, "Don't be an idiot!"

Ichigo rolled his eyes and stepped over his father to the counter and looking up at the girl. His eyes widened slightly as he took her in, she was very pretty.

She smirked, "Can I help you, _sir_?"

"Umm yeah," he turned around to where his sisters were analysing the menu. "What do you guys want?"

"I'll have a Soul Burger Meal with a Coke," volunteered his father from the floor.

"Yeah one of those and a Hollow Beef Burger Meal with Coke for me," he told her.

She nodded and tapped it in, then turned around to yell the order to someone behind.

"Umm I'll have a Soccer Meal and Soda," stated Karin, pointing to the soccer-shaped chicken burger picture.

"Don't you want to get a Children's Meal though?" asked Yuzu. "You get a toy and everything!"

"No I don't want something so childish!"

"Oh."

"Karin don't be so mean to my baby Yuzu," chided Isshin, jumping up.

"OK guys continue this later," interrupted Ichigo. "You want the Children's Meal then Yuzu?"

"Yeah! With the Chicken Nuggets, or…wait…do I want the salad burger?"

"Just make up your mind Yuzu!" he complained as the first three orders were brought to the counter by an afro-headed man.

"OK OK I want the nuggets, oh with the Chappy toy!"

The girl smiled, "You like the Chappy collectibles too, which one?"

"The Shinigami one, it's the last I need to complete the set!"

She nodded and went to the corner to take out the toy and give the order. After a moment she came back, smiling.

"You're very lucky, this is the last one," Yuzu squealed excitedly, taking the black-robed Chappy toy. "That'll be $25 thanks."

"OK – wait what? 25!" asked Ichigo incredulously.

"Yeah, an extra 5 for the limited edition Chappy."

"I thought they were free with the Children's Meal?"

"This is a very good Chappy toy!" she insisted.

He sighed and turned to his father, "Well at least I'm not paying for it, gimme the cash!"

Isshin blushed and ducked his head, "Aah I don't have any money."

"WHAT?"

"Well I spent it all on the groceries and this happy monkey toy," he grinned, holding the plastic monkey that was tapping a pair of cymbals together.

Ichigo facepalmed and pulled out his wallet, rifling through it he managed to scrounge his last $20. Handing it to the counter girl he turned to Yuzu.

"Sorry Yuzu, I can't afford the toy thing, you can get it another time."

Her eyes filled up with tears as she gazed at the toy, "B-but it's a limited edition, it ends tomorrow, and this is the last one! And Lilynette is always going on about having the whole set!"

"Oh Yuzu!" exclaimed Isshin, running to hug is now sobbing daughter while Karin rolled her eyes. "How could you be so heartless Ichigo? I'll give up my meal for you my baby girl!"

Ichigo sighed and turned back to the counter girl, "Can we return the Soul Burger Meal?"

She turned around and yelled to the back, "Hey Mr Afro, can we return the Soul Burger Meal?"

"NO!" he yelled back. "Once they bought it they can't return it, and it's Zennosuke Kurumadani to you!"

She rolled her eyes and turned to look at his regretfully, "Sorry, can't take back any of the meals."

Yuzu was positively wailing now as Isshin tried to comfort her, all the while throwing murderous looks to Ichigo who was now thoroughly angry.

"Can I reimburse you later?" he muttered to her.

She shook her head regretfully, then her eyes lit up, "There is something you can do!"

"WHAT?" cried the family.

"Well we're running a little short on employees," she looked around the empty room ruefully; the workers had left after Yuzu's outburst. "So if you start working for us, I'll give you those meals and the Chappy for free!"

Ichigo glared at her, "What are my hours?"

"9-5 Monday's Wednesday's, Saturday's, as it's holidays, $20 an hour."

He grumbled, turning around to stare at Yuzu and Isshin who were gazing at him with puppy-dog eyes and Karin who had started to eat her meal.

"Fine!" he exclaimed, putting the money back in his pocket and turning to glare at his father and sister who were jumping up and down with joy. "You two owe me big for this!" he turned back to the girl, "Thanks."

She grinned at him, "No problem."

"So what do I have to do?"

"Here," she said, handing him a plastic knife. "Stick this into your arm, it's part of an initiation ceremony."

He frowned at her, taking in her perfectly serious look. Shrugging, he thrust the knife into his arm, which actually kind of hurt, and handed the slightly bloodied knife back.

"Keep it," she said with a disgusted expression.

"Thanks," he muttered, putting it in his pocket, glaring at his family who were happily indulging themselves on their burgers, nuggets and chips.

"Come in at 8:30 tomorrow," she told him. "I'll set you up then. What's your name by the way?"

"Oh Ichigo, Ichigo Kurosaki."

She nodded and penned it down, "I'm Rukia, Rukia Kuchiki."

"Nice to meet you, and thanks again," he pointed his thumb towards his family. "If it weren't for you I'd be stuck with my dad and sister crying for the rest of the week."

She grinned, "Well a good thing I saved you from it, here's your meal, see you tomorrow."

He nodded, grabbed the packet of food and walked out of the shop, yelling at his family "Come on, we're not staying here!" and they walked out, much to the loud protests and general bickering of the dysfunctional, and slightly wacko family.

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><p><strong>And that my friends, is the product of boredom and too much McDonalds! Do you think this is worth continuing? I'd like to persue it further if I can! Now may the fries be with you! <strong>


	2. The Arch Enemy

**Sorry it's taken a while to update. I've been very busy with RL, lots of exams and assignements, and then more exams because my school is evil. Also, this story will not be as constant as I am working on some others that I want to finish. Check them out if you like :) Aah self-advertising :D **

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><p>The next morning, Ichigo drove to his new workplace with its boring white walls and red, Japanese-style roof. He trumped in, hiding a yawn behind his hand as he walked up to the counter where Rukia was adjusting the breakfast menus.<p>

"Good morning!" she said chirpily.

"Is it?" he grumbled, rubbing his head. "My bastard of a dad woke me up at 5 this morning with a bump to the head."

"Oh well! No time to be feeling down, it's work day!" she enthused, grabbing his arm and pulling him behind and counter and into the kitchen where Mr Afro was busy making patties.

She lined him up in front of the food tills where lettuce, beef patties, chicken, tomato, and things Ichigo didn't want to think about were.

"Right," she said, placing her hands on her hips and pointing to a selection of big sheets. "These are the recipes. They're pretty simple; all the ingredients are here, provided by Mr Afro."

"IT'S ZEN-"

"Yeah yeah," she waved her hand dismissively. "So the ingredients are as follows, chicken, beef, nuggets, rolls, lettuce, tomato, cheese, onions, pickles, the tomato sauce and mustard bottles, and the chips over there," she said, pointing to each consecutively. "There are the boxes and bags you need to put the food in. Now watch carefully."

She grabbed ingredients and began running around the kitchen, in about 10 seconds she had two burgers and chips lined up in front of him.

"And that's how you make a Soul Burger Meal."

"Right."

"So, go ahead, make me one," she commanded, handing him the respective sheet. "You've got 3 minutes tops."

"Wait what?"

"Start NOW!" she clapped her hands together.

"Argh!"

He scanned the sheet quickly and began pulling all the ingredients towards him, his tongue poking between his teeth in concentration. In less than two minutes he had a beef, lettuce, pickle, tomato, mustard-sauced, cheesed burger with chips on the side.

"There's how's that?" he stated triumphantly.

She stared at him with shining eyes, he was so fast!

"It was alright I suppose," she sniffed. "Well then, I'll show you the drinks and the drive-through, although there's not many people here yet so I doubt you'll need to use it."

For the next hour she took him through the process of making each meal and pouring drinks to a perfect height. He caught onto the job very quickly; it almost scared her how fast he was. And when she asked him if he had done this before, he said it was his first job.

At nine 'o' clock exactly, the doors opened to a stream of about two customers, lazily walking in and taking their Hash Browns and pancakes to the park.

"You don't get many people here do you?" he asked, leaning against the counter looking bored.

She shrugged, "It's a brand new store, and not nearly as good as it could be, not to mention it's a remote part of town. The ones in the main city are much better."

"Huh, they're pretty drab, all of them. I prefer Lost Nachos-"

She jumped up, pressed her hand to his mouth and put her finger to her lips.

"Shh, don't say that here; our CEO hates that place with its commercialised food."

He nodded and she took her hand off his mouth, wiping it on her apron.

"So who is the CEO?" he asked.

She waved her hand dismissively, "Some old geezer who's all talk and no action, he's a bit of a conservative too, doesn't realise that mass-production will get us more customers. We could spend less money on more food, and more money on furniture. My brother says he wouldn't change the look of these stores if someone attacked him with an ice-cream and threatened to cut off his beard."

"How would your brother know?" he said with a chuckle.

She glared at him, "He's the manager of the sixth city store."

"Wow not bad," he commented. "That's the one opposite that Lost Nachos place with that constant Halloween theme right?"

She crossed her arms with a humph, "I don't see how you could know it from _that _place."

"It's so cool! My friends and I go there heaps, it's got all these eyeballs on the tables and there are pumpkins and ghosts everywhere. And it's great cause there's never any adults so you can be as loud as you want," he grinned.

She was about to retort when they heard a loud shout.

"ICHIGO KUROSAKI!"

They turned around to see the silhouette of a teen who was trying to enter through the doors with a dramatic bang. But as they were automatic doors, he had to wait for them to open before he could march inside. Once there, he stood with his finger pointed at the orange-haired counter-boy.

"You are my _enemy!_" he yelled.

Ichigo blinked. He had short, stylishly cut black hair, glasses, and was wearing a neatly buttoned-up white shirt and grey pants.

"Aah do I know you?" he asked.

The teen's face went bright red and he marched over to the counter, grabbed Ichigo's shirt, and pulled him up so that their faces were only inches apart.

"My name is Uryu Ishida," he snarled.

"Have I heard that name before?" he wondered out loud.

"WE'RE IN THE SAME CLASS!" he screamed.

Ichigo pushed him away and looked at him more closely. Now that he thought about it, he did look kind of familiar.

"You two are in the same class and you don't know each other's names?" gasped Rukia, looking appalled.

"I know his name!" snapped Uryu, pushing up his glasses. "It's him that doesn't know mine!"

"Hey I do know you!" exclaimed Ichigo. "You sit in front of me, right? Your name is…aahh…Urgel, no, Urel, Urya?"

"URYU!" he cried.

"Oh yeah, that's it," Ichigo said, looking please with himself.

Rukia shook her head and turned to smile at Uryu, "So anyway, how can we help you?"

"Ahem," sniffed Uryu, smoothing his clothes and turning to them, light flashing of his glasses. "I have come to tell you that you are now my arch enemy! I was going to apply for a job here but you got it just before I got a chance to!"

"I don't get the problem," he said, rubbing his orange hair. "Just go get another job."

"You don't understand, I was going to get one here to show these pathetic excuses for burger makers that I am the best! You're stupid company destroyed my father's, which has been going for generations!"

"Oh hey, I've heard your name before!" exclaimed Rukia. "You're family owned McQuincy didn't it?"

"Yes we did," he snapped, glaring at her. "Until _you're_ company destroyed it from existence with false claims of copyright! Which is why I have come to overthrow you," he pointed his finger at Rukia, "Nemu Kurotsuchi, and you're evil, scientific father, and prove that McQuincy was the best."

"I thought _I_ was your enemy," muttered Ichigo.

Rukia frowned at the teen with glasses, "I don't know what you're playing at but I am not Nemu Kurotsuchi, nor am I related to her or her father in any way."

"What?" Uryu snapped.

"My name is Rukia Kuchiki, my _brother_, Byakuya, owns store 6 _not _store 12."

Uryu's eyebrow twitched and the pointed hand shook. Suddenly he moved his hand to point at Ichigo instead.

"Which is why I have come to overthrow _you,_ _Ichigo Kurosaki,_ and prove that the McQuincy's are still the best in the business and that this store should take on those who show _true _craftsmanship in burger making," he concluded.

Rukia and Ichigo stared at him.

"So wait," Ichigo held up his hand. "Does this mean I'm back to being your enemy?"

"You always were my enemy for taking my job," replied Uryu. "And it so happens that I have put a "Free Food For All Before Midday" sign outside this store and people should be flooding in to test our burger-making skills."

"You did WHAT?" cried Rukia.

Suddenly they heard a loud roar of voices. They all turned their heads towards the doors where a swarm of people were crowding. Rukia pulled her apron off, threw it at Uryu, jumped over the counter, and pushed him to her place.

"Right, you two want to fight-"

"-I don't want to fight," interjected Ichigo.

She ignored him, "-Then go right ahead and deal with these customers until 12."

"But I-"

"Perfect!" exclaimed Uryu. "Kurosaki, the battle is on!"

They both took fancy victory poses with sparkly backgrounds filled with giant hamburgers and fries.

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><p><strong>Yup, that was a little weird and probably not my funniest but I hope you still liked it. Please review and tell me if you did or didn't. And thank you so much for reading anyway! <strong>


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